Sunday, August 16, 2009

losing their grasp.

He is far too charming for his age. At seventeen he opens doors, smiles every time he sees you, and offers to grab your lunch during his break. The student who works underneath me is the perfect gentleman. However, this is not the first time I’ve witnessed this. His actions reflect that of my younger cousin, whom I absolutely adore. We’ll call him, John. Standing at 5’11, brown skin, and very intelligent, John is “almost” the perfect teenager. After school you can find him at home helping his little brother with his homework, accompanying our grandmother to the store, or sketching in his room. I have never worried or wondered his whereabouts. He is always in the safest place, home. Starting at a young age we all noticed his knack for creating, managing money, and his yearning for accomplishment. He is now on his way to a four year university for graphic design, has saved most of his money, and designs and manages his own clothing line. I watch from the outside, waiting for him to stumble, falter, or his progress to slow down. I often find myself wondering when his chivalry will become nonexistent, when puppy love will change his course of life or his manner will start to decline. However, he has yet to disappoint me. The disappointment begins with the men that I’ve met lately. These men show none of the characteristics my father and uncles have. All my life I’ve seen nothing but loyalty, commitment, and honesty from these men. I struggle to see these characteristics in the men I come into contact with. (Dating-wise of course, the men that are my friends are exemplary.) I’ve been on a few dates this summer and find myself slowly backing away from the idea of “love.” I find myself more content with thought provoking reads, the lines of my journal, and a cup of Joe lately.

Date #1

“You intimidate me, I’m used to uptight girls that I can shut down or shy girls that I can take charge with. But, you’re so relaxed and so on point with your questions, it scares me a little.”

He goes on to explain how he was “traumatized” by his previous relationship (which ended a year ago), how it ended because he was possessive and she lingered too long on other males, and even explains every move that resulted in it going wrong. Although, he was equipped with the experience to avoid making the same mistakes, he backed away from the challenge. Like the coward I’d already me him out to be after his first statement, he states that he’s not ready for a relationship. Hold on, Stop, Rewind. Did I ask you for one? Here we are on our second date, at the beach at night (his idea), and just talking about life…and you automatically assume I’m looking to be your wife? After he goes on a tangent about marriage, children, and the ages he’ll be ready for both (which I was barely listening to), I asked him if he was ready to go. I mean, what else was there to discuss? You’ve clearly stated that you’re afraid of me, explained why it wouldn’t work, and tried to convince me of your theory with past “results.” First of all, I didn’t even ask you about relationships or anything of the sort. Secondly, I didn’t ask you on this date! If you were so uncertain about the result of our “arrangement”, why put yourself through it? After the gloss of lips, pressing of the humidified strands of my hair, and the purchase of a nice outfit, I looked forward to the banter of the second date. I anticipated the awkward moments, laughter at the random events of the night, and our eventual goodbyes. Instead I was confronted by a bumbling fool who couldn’t keep his composure. After playing the cool, calm, collected Rico Suave while asking me out, did you lose it? Did all your thoughts and memories of the past collide together whilst I asked you ordinary questions? What are you going to do with your life? What are your interests? I apologize for not being the kind of girl who states clearly, “If you ain’t paying my way, it ain’t happening.” You know, like you said, the one you can SHUT down. Or perhaps I should have played the submissive role? So you can “take charge.” Negative. I’ve always been confident in my “swagger” and don’t intend on lessening it for someone who’s intimidated by the fact that I’ve got it together. I didn’t ask for COMMITMENT, however, now that you’ve shown that you’re incapable of such a task, I’m no longer interested. Want to know what took the cake? He asked on the ride home how I felt about “Friends With Benefits?” He didn’t even deserve so much as the flip of the bird as I gave him a silent goodbye with my back.

Date #2

“I’ve been on the other side of the fence for a while but, I’ll try anything. It’s just that I’m not sure that I’m ready to be with a woman again. I don’t even know why I’m here.”

Whoa, Whoa homeboy, if you’re not confident in who you are then you shouldn’t be dating. This brother had the nerve to ask me out to an open mic and the promenade, when he wasn’t one-hundred percent sure if he even liked women. Are you kidding me? Thank God for him admitting this on the first date, however, you lost your honesty card from line one. I should’ve been told that before we took a step out of the door. I am not your experiment nor am I interested in helping you figure out what’s right for you. Sometimes, humans need to take a step back. Not all decisions are made by testing the variables, and not everything is a hands-on project. (Sure as hell he didn’t put his hands on me.) I have tons of friends/associates who are gay and we get along fine. However, they are honest about who they are and even during the times they couldn’t figure it out; they didn’t bring unknowing friends along for the ride. That my brother, is a solo journey. After the date he explained how sorry he was and hoped I wouldn’t hold a grudge against him. I didn’t hold a grudge, or disrespect him, but, I did give him the advice to figure out what he wanted and then try the whole “dating” thing again. Hey, even if he comes to the conclusion that he’s bisexual, asexual, trisexual, or whatever….as long as he’s secure in who he is, is all that matters. Then perhaps he can provide security to whomever he’s with, with a side of HONESTY.

Date #3

Now, I don’t have a direct quote for this date. Yet, it seems as if all these men lack this ideal. If we are together, dating, committed or even married, I expect your LOYALTY. Cheating, gossiping, lies and much more all fall under the category of having no loyalty. Most of the fathers of my god-children still have women on the side, talk behind their girls or fianc├ęs backs, and put their trust in people on the outside of the relationship. Everything comes full circle. Everything. Why is it that I have to hear my best friend crying on the other end of the phone that some woman has called her and explained that she is his “real woman?” Why must they hear their dirty laundry being washed in the machines of those who pass nothing but judgment? The point of Relat-ionships is to RELATE. If you have a concern, discuss it with your significant other and not the world. Don’t take your frustrations out by invading another human’s life. (The Other Woman) SOLVE YOUR ISSUES AT HOME. Jeez.

Sure, I can tell you of all the dates that have ended in ruin, but why? I’ve covered the aspects that concern me most. Anyway, somewhere along the line a man’s innocence falters. He can either overcome these obstacles by some heavy realization. (A heartbreak, loss of “the one”, realizing life is too short, etc.) However, most of our generation show no progress nowadays, even when that realization comes along. My cousin John is the reason my hope hasn’t faltered. As I watch his fingers dance around the edges of a tip of a pencil and craft his future stability, I know, somewhere there is a man who still exhibits the morals and values that make a man, a MAN.


Anonymous said...

love this post. I hate that "you're intimidating" cop-out. & why don't guys understand how bad that makes them look? Are we all supposed to be uptight and shy? Man up.

Date #2. wow. just wow.

Militankerous said...

On "Date #1" you have a typo. "I'd already *made him out to be..."

Anyway, I think I know who two of these are, but it matters not. These men are each trifling in their own regard. One with no intelligence to speak of beyond a casual flirtation. Keep him solely as that, and otherwise maintain a safe distance. The gay guy: UGH! You already know my sentiments on that one. Back away slowly. Lol! And you know what I am going to say. Don't give up on love, because regardless of what the current market of men shows for you, there is one person still being specially designed for you. Scars and all. Just take it all in stride. You're an amazing and beautiful woman and any man will be lucky to get hold of you. Be not afraid of being the awesome that the Good Lord made you to be.

Anonymous said...

Good story, my life was like that, on the reverse tip, as I struggled to find the right woman. The best man you will find will be your best friend. It may sound crazy, but it's true. Think about it for a minute, your true friend enjoys your company and is not always looking for an exit like a regular boy/girlfriend. They will never do you dirty or abandon you in your time of need, and will support you and your life choices. My wife was my friend, before any romance. We're still together after nearly 10 years which is like dog years for young couples nowadays. We have our issues, but the love makes arguments and problems seem small.