Tuesday, November 17, 2009

the guardian angel syndrome.

So there's a girl, who encompasses everything in which men usually look for: She throws down in the kitchen (cooks well), clean, respectful, intelligent, funny, and most importantly, TALENTED. Here's the problem. She's in college, twenty-one, and all the men around her are NOT READY. We all know the saying, girls are four years older in maturity then men are. (Men are probably four years younger mentally.) So her 25-year-old-mind, is telling her to find the "one" and settle down. While the 17-year-old-mind of the 21-year-old man is telling him to sow his royal oats. If you read my blog on a regular basis, you'll remember my memoir of "waiting." Some of these same women are experiencing the most traumatic form of waiting called, "The Guardian Angel Syndrome." No, this is not a real psychological label, you will not find it in the DSM IV. Yet it is a name i have concocted so people suffering from such a condition can recognize it immediately.


You meet a guy, who seems to have it all together. He drives, has his own spot, a good job, and he's in school. You fall for him and after the back and forth of building a "friendship" you'd hoped would turn into something more....you spring it on him. "I want to be more than friends." He hesitates, stumbles over his words, or perhaps he's one of those smooth brothers who has it all together (which is rare) and tells you casually, "I don't see you like that." Translation: He can't look at you that way. He only wants to be friends. HE'S JUST NOT INTERESTED. Why, you ask? Well, it could be the simple things. It could be his superficiality clawing at him to notice your minute flaws. Maybe it's the way you carry yourself, what you wear, or the accent you have. MAYBE. But, 9 times out of 10, HE'S JUST NOT READY. If you are indeed the honest woman, the capable woman, and the loyal woman....if he's not crazy....YOU ARE HIS TYPE. I'm sure his mother didn't tell him to bring a disheveled, unkempt, unmannerly woman home. (I'd rather not use the actual adjectives I was thinking. Lol. Hussy.) However, right now, in his prime, he isn't looking for the woman he intends to marry. He's looking for a trophy, a floss-around-with, a hello & goodbye. But because he doesn't want to lose you and your amazing qualities, he keeps you around. BOOM. BAM. VOILA. You've become his guardian angel.

Now to bring a bit of my personal life into this. As a poet who performs in different venues and places, I meet all types of men. "You're set was amazing, here's my number, call me sometime." So, sometimes, I call. Often that first call leads into a series of calls. The late night conversation we can all relate to. The sundown till sunup, "hold on i have to pee", fall asleep on the phone conversations. More than once I've been asked to perform a piece over the phone or render advice for a problem that i didn't have the answer to. For some reason when you're creative, some people tend to think you have the answer to everything, or the anecdote to their pain in one of your poems. WRONG. As I've stated in a piece before, "I am not your poetry dispenser." Now, even though there are warning signs that we tend to ignore; things start to get serious. We then start to ask ourselves, "Where is this leading?" So face to face one day you ask him that question and suddenly he's on the defensive: "Why do we need titles?" "Whats the rush?" "What we have is beautiful, don't ruin it." So you stay, or rather, I stayed. I became that best friend, that confidant, the "Brown-Sugar" home girl who knows she can never have you in the way she wants to but will always have the opportunity to just....be around.

I know you're thinking.....What's so bad about that?

Hmmmphhh....It's the side effects of the Guardian Angel Syndrome that are the killer.

Side Effect 1: Watching: While you sit on the sidelines of his life you are forced to watch him parade his newest float around. Girlfriend 1, Mistress 2, Other Woman 3. He will not care what you think about them. He'll sit in front of you, pretend to listen intently, because he cares that YOU CARE. However, even if he gets rid of her, there will be another one waiting to move up on the roster; while you are still riding the bench. Because remember, you and him, "don't need titles."

Side Effect 2: Listening: During his drama with his "women", you will be deemed "the listener." While he gloats about Maria, Tia, and Tanya; you will have to listen. While he expresses his disdain about their flaws and actions; you will have to listen. While he one day realizes he wants to take one of these woman SERIOUSLY; you will have to listen. Hopefully, you will tune out the sound of your heart breaking. Remember, "Whats the rush?"(And GOD FORBID he's one of the visual brothers. You'll get photos of the new beau's with a corresponding text, "What do you think of her?" UGH.)

Side Effect 3: Advice: You will have to listen to your mouth form words you don't truly believe. He will run to you when he realizes one of his "women" is smarter than he, and has successfully PLAYED him. You'll have to hear him rant, fuss, or worse, cry. Your emotions will flood you. You will be mad at the woman who made him hurt, mad at him for being such a fool, and mad at yourself for having to hold your tongue on how you really feel. RIGHT NOW, this is not about YOU, nor has it ever been. Whilst holding in all these emotions, you will now be expected to give words of encouragement, root for him to move on, and be the interim of hope until he can find someone new to play with. All the while, let his words replay in your mind, "What we have is beautiful, don't ruin it."

Playing the part of the guardian angel is a hard role. It is stressful, emotional, and taxing on your physical and mental health. If this blog post relates to you in anyway...STOP, TAKE A STEP BACK, & ANALYZE YOUR ROLE IN THE GAME. Ask yourself, "Is this the position I want to play?" If it isn't, call a time out, use your friends and family as the referee, and forfeit. I believe that the counterpart of our soul is within many other human beings. If you fail once, try again.

For all those women in denial; who feel as if I'm wrong: CONTINUE TO BE THE GUARDIAN ANGEL. Look behind yourself, (which I'm sure you haven't done in a while) and tell me EXACTLY what you're guarding. Empty promises? Broken dreams? Faded hope? I thought so. Do me a favor, step away from the mass of deceits you've been given, build a fortitude of self-esteem, throw in barbed wire comprised of your sharp wit and tongue, place your mind at the entry....and start guarding......your heart.


***PS- My boy Jamalcolm pointed out that this is just the prolonged version of the poem below entitled "in(security)." Look @ me following up and not realizing it. LOL.****


Focused said...

Riva you are a straight beast. I recall reading your blog way back in the Xanga days, and I loved it then. This post is "true story" and if someone chooses not to listen to it, at least they've been warned.

Justice-Stokley Hall said...

WTF Riva have you been stalking me??! I was in something similar but it was kind of a double guardian angel thing because we did it to each other smh. Words from the greatest artist ever "I never wanna feel this way again/If we can't be lovers then i dont wanna be your friend"

Unknown said...

i keep saying you're amazing because i don't know how else to say it.

Lyrik Marie said...

I LOVE YOU RIVA .. You know how to put into words what a lot of us females think ..

riva. said...

@focused You're absolutely right. They have been warned. Xanga days?!?! Jeez. That's when i was spilling my LIFE lol.

@justice-stokleyhall We all come across the syndrome at one point in ur lives.

@stephanie :-) Awwww, Thankyou.

@LyrikMarie It's because in a essence i feel in words. If i can't put it on paper, in my mind, it just doesn't seem true. Love you too.

Majik1987 said...

Riv, it's actually a cool spin to this story. This seems partly like what men experience in the form of the "friend zone." I agree with all of what you say. And guys I know can relate to that feeling like waiting on the female to recognize the good guy you are. But in the end all your talents and friendship can't break the imbellic vision of a man or woman who is incapable of deciphering the diamonds from the rough. eff em. we just have to make our own way and be our own guardian angels until we find that one person that will call us "beautiful" or "handsome" and not be afraid of the emotional committment that might follow after such statements. Love u boo. Great post.

riva. said...

@majik1987 You're always so deep my brother. I appreciate your comment. That has actually sparked a great idea! "The Friend Zone" for my next relationship advice post. Hmmm. Maybe. Metaphors in a comment? Lol. Only YOU Jamalcolm.


Majik1987 said...

@RivaFlowz U know I gotta do what I can. Btw, I don't think many people picked up the fact that this is prose side of ur poem from a couple weeks back called "tainted." tell ur followers to make sure they scroll down the page. btw, go read my new blog about Frenchy. lol.

Anonymous said...

Hey Missy, just wated to show your blog some love because I believe your work is excellent. This is a relly great analysis. I think plenty of women have found themself in that position. It can seem so hard to demand more. The more you deserve. I always tell my girls if he's got all these great qualities but he's just not that into you, move on. He is missing something to important to ignore. Find someone who has all those great qualities and recognizes his counterpoint in you. Very well said :)

Michael DeAntonio said...

I couldn't agree with you more.

Anonymous said...

I read this and I loved it!! It is so true!! Its so refreshing to have read this after having gone through a similar situation and I hope that it has a similar affect on those who have yet to or are currently going through it...

Anonymous said...

Very Very Insightful!

LoL! I'm a little biased since anything you say/write is dope to me, but I know all of us can relate to this regardless of gender or age. I feel your pain. : (