Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Little Boy In a Man



Ladies, sometimes you’ve got to let your MEN be boys. Wait! Before you tune me out, listen to my reasoning. No, I’m not talking about a mental issue or growth deficiency like Robin Williams in Jack. No, I’m not referring to him running wild with no sorts of constraints whatsoever. (Wait, what is he? Your pet?) Anyway, I’m speaking of the small spirit that exists inside of every man and latches on to his unfulfilled life long dream whilst the female buries hers underneath children, housework, or business contracts. Despite your maturity, losing the young spirit inside of us is a choice. Most of us decide after or even DURING college that its time to put away the silly dreams and become serious about our future. (You can read more about this in my previous entry.)

With women, losing that spirit 9 times out of 10 is empowering. “I’m grown and independent and I pay my own bills. I am woman. Hear me roar.” Blah….Blah….Within men, this notion is not triumphant but the scariest realization of their lives: “It’s all over.” Although this is a CLEAR exaggeration, it’s an exact replica of their feelings when a women attempts to tame them. This woman could be his mother, sister, cousin, or his lover. However, his spirit, when bottled up, eventually breaks free and forces the physical apparition of our “whipped” man on a wild goose chase. I’m also convinced that mid-life crisis stems from this. If a man’s inner-boy is stifled at marriage and at 50 he celebrates his 20th year of marriage; that spirit would’ve aged twenty years sitting in solitude. And what do twenty year old men do? Buy expensive cars they know they can’t afford, chase women they know they can’t afford, take ridiculous risks they KNOW THEY CAN’T AFFORD. However, REAL twenty year old men don’t have to come home to a wife with arthritis and menopause, who might have a heart attack at the sight of her retirement savings in the form of a red Ferrari in her driveway. This could ALL be avoided by allowing the little boy in a man to breathe once in a while.

Here’s how to do it tastefully:

We know there are five things men need to sustain to keep their sanity. SPORTS, SEX, MAN-TIME, FOOD, & the BATHROOM. Yes, I said the bathroom.

SPORTS: Don’t be that girl. You know the one. The one who stares at him like he’s crazy after/during dinner,“So you’re just going to watch football over me?” “So you’d rather yell and scream over a touchdown then praise me for my mashed potatoes?” “Soooooo…..I guess all those sweaty football players look better than me in this dress?” & then get mad when he says, “YES.” Don’t be her. Because that girl is the woman who is talked about at the round table, that we’ll speak on in example three. The one who he addresses to his boys as, “SHE, HER, THAT WOMAN” because saying your name at this point and in this venue would SUCK all the LIFE out of his boys night out.

SHE says I have to be in by midnight.

Oh HER? Don’t even bring HER up right now.

THAT WOMAN is driving me nuts.

And all the inner-spirits of the men around him will start to give him that self-righteous speech. They’ll tell him you’re overbearing, he’s not married, and there are too many fish in the sea for him to be sweating YOU. Strike One.

SEX: Since this is a PG-13 blog, I won’t dive too heavily into this topic. However, there’s an equilibrium of both individuals that provides perfect stride in this category. Do too much and you won’t be knocking things down simultaneously like Tyrese seems to suggest in “How You Gonna Act Like That.” Nope, you’ll just knock everything down on your own trying to be acrobatic while he looks at you like you’re a fool. Also, doing too little as Ms. Celie seems to suggest in “Color Purple” is scary to them as well. FIND A BALANCE. Run with it.

MAN-TIME: Men need their round table because there’s a small part of the brain that tells them that they are in fact a knight. (Even though Chivalry is suffocating.) This table comes in many forms; a pool table, bar, bowling alley, or even a golf cart. However, they need a place where they can converse with their comrades about life sans femininity. The topics vary and are not open for discussion—unless of course you are a man—but is considered priority amongst the other things necessary for sustaining sanity.

FOOD: I know your mom told you that the way to man’s heart was through his stomach. She’s right, but some men can appreciate outside food too. PROOF: There are women who can’t cook but somehow still seem to get married. So if you can’t cook GOOD healthy options and you aren’t offering any alternatives, HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TELL HIM WHAT TO EAT?

“No baby, the buffalo wings aren’t good for you, but the celery, THAT you can have.” o_O STRIKE TWO.

THE BATHROOM: I’ve discovered through an ex-boyfriend or two that the bathroom is the “throne” of the “knight.” Whether he carried his newspaper, cellphone, or empty hands in there….he’s not coming out for a while. Especially if he’s doing the “long run.” Haha. This is his place of solitude, where he can run from your incessant nagging, the Project Runway currently on the flat screen, or the pleading for a chick flick later. Give him his FIVE minutes. Jeez. Don’t bang on the door and ask if he’s ever coming out, don’t pretend you’ve got to go just to get him to leave, and DO NOT over do it, with diffusers, pink, and purple. Because he just might not EVER use the bathroom at home/your apartment EVER again. STRIKE THREE. (PS- Keep air freshener on deck at all times!)

All in all, sometimes you’ve got to let that child run wild. I don’t care how you do it, schedule it, allow it one day of the week, or one hour a day. IT DOES NOT MATTER. As long as you allow him his time and space to breathe, he’ll be relaxed and ready to compromise on other things. Most of the time. I have friends who are in relationships and the most frequent complaint I hear is: “He NEVER wants to do what I want to do.” In the same conversation I hear: “He just wants to eat junk, watch football, stink up my bathroom, and go out with his boys and I’m NOT having it. As of matter of fact, he’s not getting to do anything (including her) until I get what I want!” See that? She’s just stifled his entire reason for living and then wants him to compromise? Never. I’m not saying let him fly off the handle EVERYDAY and run the streets. I’m just saying give him some adequate space. If you don’t know what the appropriate alone time is, ask yourself, “How much breathing time do I usually need when I’m stressed or need space?” Take that time and multiply it by 1.5 and if you can’t give him that much time, slap a stalker/obsessed sticker on your forehead so all other men can BEWARE.

Don’t forget how most little boys treat their mothers; they’re usually attached, protective, and attentive. If you allow the inner-child of a man his space to breathe and grow he’ll provide you with these things. And that’s most of what we want from a man right? RIGHT?

So, CHILL.

-riv-

3 comments:

Elleina D. said...

I soooooooo agree!!!!! Don't be "that girl"! My biggest suggestion to ladies is to have a life outside of your relationship and make your man feel like a MAN even though there is a little boy inside!

Veronica W. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Veronica W. said...

LOVE LOVE LOOOOVE it!

You hit the nail right on the head with this one and I also agree with Ellaina. A woman should always have her own things to do that have nothing to do with her man. Women should never be so consumed with their partner that they can't focus on themselves every once in a while WHILE giving their man space and time alone.


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