Friday, February 14, 2014

14 Things I Know About New Love.

You want to be present.

But it’s hard. Living in the moment, in the right now, is a difficult feat. It’s the reason why healing is so important, before you move on. If not, you are doomed to repeat your past. I was out to lunch, with a few girl friends, talking about our experiences with men (what’s new?), and one of them quoted Iyanla Vanzant:

When you find yourself in a new situation, everything that requires healing is going to rush to the surface. Pause and take a breath.

I found myself so taken aback by this quote. It was so real. Too often I’d found myself reiterating the same mistakes I’d already encountered. In the middle of doing them and realizing things were going in the same direction, I failed to rectify it.

My past mistake was not living in the moment. Of course there’s a time for commitment, but I found myself pressing for it too early on. In the middle of laughter and enjoyment, I found myself wondering where things were going and how they were going to end.

You want to live in the moment.

This time around, it had to change. In the middle of a great text message conversation, I asked Mr. New Prospective Love, if he’d date someone long distance. It was my way of asking if he saw me as a potential girlfriend. The moment I wrote it, I knew that it was too soon. Instead of following up with a series of my probing inquires, I let it go and took his answer for what it was.

“I wouldn’t say never, but it’d be difficult for me.”

I decided there and then that I’d make difficult easy, without saying a word. We went back to our conversation and I haven’t brought it up since. I want things to manifest the way that they will, as should you. It’s better remembering things that way.


You want to say everything and nothing at all.

A lot of us are anti phone call in this day and age. Why spend eons of time on the phone, when you can text and/ or meet up? However, some folks are just afraid of the awkward pauses or they're just used to conversation that isn’t…well…conversation.


I love long phone calls. When I’m not able to converse with my love, in person, it’s the next best thing. After a lot of texting, he said:

“I hate talking on the phone. Folks never really have anything to say and it just gets awkward.”

I assured him that he just wasn’t talking to the right people. After our first conversation, filled with favorite emcees, daddy-daughter stories, and more, he said:

“That wasn’t bad at all. Doesn’t hurt that I really like your voice.”

The awkward silence can sometimes be the best part.
Listening to the rhythm of breath, the fidgeting of fingers, & the world around him/her.
Sometimes…reticence tells all.

You want to be a little bit out of control.

There are all these rules and timings that are placed on unions. We're told when/where things should happen.

Don’t flirt too much.
Don’t say I love you, until he says it.
Be sure to wait six dates before the nasty.
Don’t say anything suggestive.

I’m all about just letting things happen, when they happen. Sure, you should definitely have your guard up if your intuition is flaring. 

You’ve trusted before and you’re still sick from the repetition of dishonesty. However, sometimes just falling is the best remedy.

You want to: Kiss. Play. Both.

I can’t stress this enough. Don’t just get down to it. Get around, over, under, and beside it. The initiation of intimacy is so important. Don’t skip over it.

You want to be kids again.

Playfully punch him in the arm.
Wrestle in bed.
Make fun of the way she squints her eyes in the morning.
Make fun of the way it takes him too long to get out of bed.
Bite marks.
Hickeys. (NSBW: Not safe before work.)

Your inner-child is so important, when falling in love. When we channel him/her, we channel the most innocent and romantic parts of ourselves. Trust.

You want to be unpredictable.

Text him/her ridiculous things in the middle of the day; share memes and moments, even when they’re not around. This is the banter that turns into inside jokes that you’ll have forever.

Remember when we were at that thing..
Remember how crazy it was…
& then you kissed me…
I did not kiss you first!…

Let’s hope this ends in a kiss too.

You want to bring them into your world.

Remember those silent spaces we discussed earlier? Use them to your advantage. Fill the cracks.

Tell them about stories you’ve only told to those closest to you. Open your heart a little. Spread your vulnerability, while asking them to let go a little too.

It was the first time I was truly sad about rejection. The letter came in the mail and I waited three hours to open it. I finally did and they told me that they didn’t want to take me on. I never wanted to write again.

If he skips over the story to tell you his own story of rejection, walk away. If he listens, offers a shoulder, and tells you that one day you’ll write across the sky…keep him.

You want to be a release.

Don’t nag and complain about every little mishap, especially in the beginning. When building an empire with our future kings/queens we want to know that they will be an oasis in our life’s storm. Don’t become the storm.

You want to listen.

No matter how big or small the event, listening is the most valuable trait in a significant other. I want to know you care. I yearn for you to relate and even if you don’t…I’d like for you to try.

You want to be yourself.

I spent too many waking hours sucking in my stomach, walking in uncomfortable heels, and getting my hair done right before a date. On the dates, dressed to perfection, I wondered if the man in front of me would love me with my sweats, no make-up on, and all my books around me.

You want love that appreciates you at 6am, on a hangover Saturday morning.

& here are two, from last year…because for me…they’re more relevant than ever:

You will have secrets, at first.

Slowly things will begin to unravel and it’s your choice, on whether you want to stay when you discover them. However, listen to all that surrounds the undisclosed. Our partners will surprise us with stories from their past that’ll redefine the respect we have for their triumph.

You shouldn't have to force it.

 Love is a natural thing. If you find yourself praying for rain, exit before the storm. The thunder that arrives will not be the roar of passion that you’ve been waiting for. 

Happy Valentine's Day.