Friday, May 2, 2014

10 Things I Hate About Dating Apps

Don't give me that side eye. You and I both know that you use Tinder, POF, or some other swipe a brother's face app. Either that or you deleted it. Being single again hasn't been an easy ride. When I was over the yeah-I'm-free aspect of it and back on the prowl, the natural way just seemed more difficult. When living in New York City, glances from strangers don't always end up in conversation and a smile. Or they do and your wallet is suddenly missing. apps seemed to be the most safe option. However, using them has been a slight region of hell. Here's ten reasons why:

1) The location services are bull. This kind of reminds me of when Facebook reports that I'm in Brooklyn, when I'm really on the Lower East Side, but not really. One of those apps reported a brother to be 2 miles away, only to find out that he lived right across the street. Literally. I see him go into his car every morning now. (Funny how you don't notice some folks, until a shirtless picture points them out.) I know. He very well could've been two miles away, when I reached out to him. However, we're not going to use logic here. Thanks.

2) Swipe-happy fingers get you nowhere. Do you know how many times I've passed a fine brother, on Tinder, because I was steadfast swiping the unattractives away? Too many times. & you can't go back! *weeps*

3) Your profile doesn't matter. Clearly, no one reads these things. My profile says:

My head is always in a book. When it's not...I'm a great conversationalist. Great cook, Cuban & Jamaican, goal oriented. I'm looking for a brother who's open & honest. Someone who understands that being yourself is everything, because everyone else is taken. No one under 25. I'm a rare breed, don't come at me if you aren't. If that intimidates  If you don't know the difference between to, too, two, you're, your, they're, their, there, we're, were, and, jump, dive, and drown. No more games. Go.

(Okay I'm a little tough, but you've got to be ruthless in this world to get what you want. Sometimes. Especially on dating apps. Particularly when you've dealt with a whole lot of crazy.) 

Anyway...after posting this, my first message will be: Your so cute girl. Din, din? 


4) Ghosts. *cues Chris Brown's "Loyal"*  Um, if brothers don't get what they want...they disappear. No conversation, no honesty, just Casper. They also try to come back, after they realize you're the best thing since sliced bread. Thank you iPhone block, app block, and God-given avoidance. 

5) First dates are always awkward. It's not just the general anxiety and awkwardness though. It's does-he-really-look-like-his-picture awkwardness. 

6) Some guys have been through way more than you, on dating apps. 

MESSAGE: Listen! I've been through a lot of games on this site! Don't tell me you're not interested too!!! 

Sorry bro. Another one bites the dust. *bites* 

7) A profile name can tell you exactly what you're dealing with, before you open a message:

ImmaculateOne: "I don't date black girls."
ImTheOneYouLookingFo: "Hey Girl, I'm The One You Looking Fo." 
BetterThanYourAverage: "So...I know you've been dealing with a lot of wack dudes. I'm better." 


8) They take up wayyyy too much space on your phone. 

iPhone: "You can't take a picture right now your storage is full."
*deletes POF*
Mom: "You're getting old girl. Are you dating?"
*downloads POF*

9) If you and your friends use it and you live in the same area, you're probably meeting the same guys.

"Girl his name is Jeremy, he lives in Union Square, he drives a...."
"Jetta? Pharmacist? Dominican?"
"Yeah! How'd you know?"


10) They're one of the only viable options, in this cold dating world. *cues J. Cole*

1 comment:

SweetGuy said...

Dating apps are here to stay. More and more people are looking for love online.