Wednesday, June 10, 2015

F-Boy Literature: Ten Things To Do When That "Hey" Text Arrives, From Your Ex

"Hey."

I hate that text. It is downright seductive, a splash of innocence surrounded by devilish ways. Why not, "Hey, how are you?" Why not, "Hey, what's new?"

Why not?

Because you don't truly care about how I'm faring or what's going on in my life. "Hey" is a prod, a prompt, the equivalent of a Facebook poke.

& Sir, you are NOT allowed to poke me.

Anymore.

So, fear not, I'm here to give you ten things to do, when that "hey" text arrives...

...from your ex:












This tactic is only for the super strong. It's the I-don't-have-anymore-feelings-for-you (or I'm making it look that way) kind of text. This is the response that only the powerful survive. This means you must open the text with stealth as if the small keyboard are lasers in a bank vault. You don't want to tap on anything that might show your ex, this dreaded thing:


...on the other side of the line.


I think I read somewhere that it gives the other person anxiety. Hehe, you might want to press a few buttons and then delete.


Sinister.


Wanna hurt someone's feelings? Respond with the one-liner.
When you're asked what you've been up to, be sure to answer with one of these:
Everything.
Things.
Stuff.
You know...life.

Your ex will either go one of two ways with this. Either he will get the hint & make an exit in the form of, "Cool. I was just checking on you." If he's one of those special folks, he might not get the clue. He'll inquire again, "Sounds good. Give me details! What's going on in your world?"

A few more one liners should so the trick:

Repeat first options:

Everything.
Things.
Stuff.
You know...life.

or...

Nothing much.
I'm chilling.
Just progressing.
("Progressing" is a great word. It's shady. It truly means...I'm on the up and up since I've left you.)
If your ex-significant other hasn't given up, there's always a block button.













Yup. You've got to add the New York accent "B" on the end to let them know you mean business. (Or maybe that's just me.)


I don't care if your house is up in flames and you're in the middle of grabbing your Macbook and your wallet (oops and the cat), running out of the door. Send the everything-is-amazing-in-my-world-I've-seen-your-new-girl-and-you've-downgraded text.


But make sure you say that last part, the right way:

I saw your little girlfriend; she's cute. ---- >

Just be petty. Petty as all hell. Make him feel like you've been waiting for him to come around and rectify things. Once he's pulled in and thinks all is well with you, TREAT HIM LIKE A LEGIT STRANGER.

"Oh. Sorry to hear about your job loss and rotator cuff. Have a good Friday though!"

This method will straight up obliterate the person on the other end of the line. Be sure you're prepared for the argument or the "Oh, word?" that ensues. Make sure you're ready to DELETE + DELETE + DELETE.


BRUH. The ultimate ex-text and follow up text. I salute you, if use this. *gives you dap* 

Ah, the good old hit-em-with-the-G: only for absolute boredom, filler, pure entertainment. When you're hit with the "Hey", hit them back with the "I was just thinking about you." Your ex will be thrown off; they will NOT expect this. Instantly, their mind will be filled with the gas that is I'm-the-man. Flirt. Send Emojis. Keep it cute. When he tries to step over the border of text message into real life, do The-Dream and shut it down.

This was fun. 
Hope all is well. 
I have plans. 
Take them on a journey. Travel, all the way to feel-bad town. You know the ex that dipped and never gave you a chance to talk it out or closure? The only reason he's saying hey is: he feels bad and wants to mend things. He wants to make things right so that HE can feel better about HIMSELF. 
Screw that. 
Rub it in. 



Let them think your phone is off. Smile. 



My favorite. Send your ex a screenshot of their name on your phone, with the text they just sent. 

Potential Names:

A-hole. 
Jerk.
Waste of...
DO NOT ANSWER. 

They'll get the picture...


The most important advice of all? Don't regress. Your ex is your ex, for a reason. Remember that. :) 





3 comments:

Minah Bereal said...

Yes!!!!

Anonymous said...

THIS IS AMAZING. THANK YOU! I got a text from my ex that was like "Hey, how are you?" and these all will do!

Anonymous said...

This is AWESOME. My ex always sends me one "hey" text
Like he is poking at my heart with a cattle prod and it was driving me up the wall! I am worth more than a one word text!