Saturday, August 22, 2015

Bodeline's Flow: A Strong Foundation

I want to help anyone who has ever felt what it was like, to be in my position. Or anyone in my position, now. Being a black woman millennial, there is so much possibility and so many causes to get behind. We are all so busy, trying to build our legacy.

Every week, I want to create a safe space for women to speak on their issues so that they can be reminded that they aren't alone and that it's okay. 

“We cannot grow and change unless we feel safe and secure.”
--Root Chakra

A foundation is everything. A strong foundation is key. Whether it’s New Years or a change of season, I compile an elaborate list--a five year plan, in my head, of all the things I want to change about myself: 

1)  Get things done on time.
2)  Start exercising regularly; good health is key to feeling better about yourself.
3)  Keep in touch with your loved ones. Let them know you appreciate them.
4)  Let Go.
5)  Forgive.
6)  Be thankful. You. Are. Blessed.

The list would go on and on, detailing all the wrongs I was trying to make right in my life. Then I would tell myself that I’ll start January 1st [enter year here], or Sunday, next Monday, or the first day of school. And eventually nothing would ever happen. I would be in the same rut and routine, frustrated at the monotony of achieving my list. If I strayed, I felt like I'd give up completely or forget the item entirely.

This built up frustration led to me needing something new: a tattoo, a piercing, a haircut, a new hair color.

Don’t get me wrong - I don’t regret any of my impulsive decisions. But often, these decisions were motivated by this negative energy, a distraction from things I needed to really work on. 

You really aren’t trying to sweat on a treadmill for an hour, if you just got a fresh wash and flat iron now, are you?

So here I am, at what feels like a very big turning point in my life (maybe because I’m about to graduate, maybe because I’m on the cusp of being on my own, maybe because I think enough is enough), and I realized these elaborate ideas, whether impulsive or not, could not be made without having a strong foundation. 

One of my biggest issues is being honest with myself: Do you really enjoying being at the gym every day and skipping dinner? Are you really okay with everything that happened in your past relationship? Did you forgive yourself first?

Once I start answering these questions, and the answers can be very grim at times, there is a voice in my head relentlessly criticizing me. But we have to ignore that voice. Tell it to shut the eff up even. Answer these questions and start creating the firm foundation you need in order to lead the life that you want.

It’s ok to wing it when something in your gut is telling you to, but what if it fails? Do you have stable grounds to support you when you fall?

This foundation needs to be there to remind you that a failure is not the end all be all: That you fall and you get back up gracefully. That you aren’t alone in your feelings or in your trials and errors. You can keep going.

I started writing lists and creating vision boards, and I can say from someone who does not believe in the self-help book society we live in now, a vision board works! I openly talk to God. I’m learning how to support people better and how to show love and affection even when it's not for my benefit. I know now that an impulse tattoo, or the lonely summer days where you almost send an ex a text, or a midnight snack that turned into a full course meal, won't ruin the woman I set out to be. 

A five-year plan is understanding:

I am impulse.
I am routine walks around the neighborhood, searching for something new. 
I am the dreamer who dreams of past, present, and future.
I am hope that the boy I chose, chooses me.
I am murky waters that flow deep, holding in darkness and light.
I am the hidden crevices and deep cosmos of an astronomic galaxy of a mind.
I'm growing.
I'm changing.

I'm getting to safe and secure, day by day.